Java.Confession

Tat thing was pure irritating shit...
I cant do it!!!
CANT!!!
So here I am... pondering whether should I skip or should I not skip...
Evil piece of shit...

Java = shit
Understandable?
Totally.
Java = ASM good at it?
Understandable?
Totally. NOT!

Thought of reading up on Java on sat or sun (8/5 or 9/5)
But as u all know...
I didnt...
I slept, eat, slack, downloaded tons of non-educational softwares tat meant to degrade my intelligence and get me addicted to computer games...
Spent time... precious time on useless stuffs which are mention above.
I seriously should study at least a bit of Java...
But i didnt.
I feel guilty and obligated to study for it since the UT is near...
But still I didnt.

I feel like running away from it.
Run.Devil.Run.
Avoiding all those.
ALL.


Suddenly thought of this:


I am once a white blank paper waiting to be filled.
Since being made, hope of me being an important one was instilled in me.
Into all others.
I thought so too.
I believed it once, naively too.
Like all other papers.
But the flaws in me shows that I not the ones.
That my purpose was not for the greater good.
That I cant be part of an essay or a book.
Instead, I became used as a waste paper.
Wasted.

But a 2nd chance was given.
I was recycled.
Hope rise.
But I didnt realized that,
Hope was a cruel thing,
Esp when it is to papers like me.
I was crushed.
Awaiting for my fate of being recycled.


In the end,
I still cant be the white paper that I envied to be.
No matter how hard I tried,
No matter how many times of being,
Reused and recycled.
The difference is still there.
I can hide it,
I can conceive myself that I am a paper,
A useful one.
By increasing in quality and other enhancements.
That I can eventually be,
like,
the same as those white papers.
But the difference are there.
Lay bare and opened for others to view.
Its there.
Forever.

Nothing will change in the end.
I will remain the fate of being recycled again.
Cos I am nothing more than the white paper,
and that I am nothing less than a recycled one.
I am just,
A waste paper,
A recyclable one.
A wasted once before potential white paper,
But now a less or to nothing important recyclable one.




Depressing world.



It 2am.
4 more hrs to school.
I'm still infornt of the computer.
Still.
Pondering on the same questions.
I had asked myself countless of times on this questions.
Still.
I didnt have a certain answer.
Still.
Still.
Still.

I always do things half-heartedly.
I always do.
Neither here nor there.
Neither black or white.
Neither good or bad.
Always liked tat part of me.
But it doesnt mean it will apply to all parts of me.
Still.
Still.
Still.


I think if 1 day, I have a choice, I will want to be a mental patient.
I will certainly be a good one.
I can succeed in doing it well.
I can finally be good at something.
I will not be neither here nor there.
Cos being mental is being neither here nor there.
Mental.
Still.
Mental.

Okay. I'm going to school.
And get my ass-kicked by Java.