Juz waiting. Still.

I'm currently waiting for my subs and some to release.
What subs and release u may ask me.
Japanese and Korean mainly. Although there is some... exceptions.
Manga, Anime, Dramas... mostly...
It is freaking killing me.
I meant the waiting.

Starting to detest going to school.
Grades are struck with Cs. and only Cs.
Fuck them. All of them.
Classmates started to bond...
Maybe too well.
I hate bondings...

Grey anatomy season 6 ended with A BANG~
The guy went firing around.
He said he bought his gun in a supermarket and the ammos were on discount so he bought more...
Nice~
Bang he goes Bang he goes...
Wonder if I could... Neh this is SG...

I wan to watch some shows but idk y the connection is so sucky...
Eks.

Things needed to deal with:
1) UTs
2) Object Oriented Programming (OOP) assignment
3) PP scope

Sianz I just want to slack~

Suffocated

Do you have times when you just feel that you are suffocating?
That you are trapped, confined and that you are trying hard to breathe as normal as you can but in your heart, your body herself, knows that every time you breathe, you are grasping as much air as you can get, but you just cant seem to get enough no matter how much you had taken in. Your mind cant think properly, either because of lacking of oxygen or that purely, you are delirium. A strong urge of just to stand up and leave seems like the only option to, break out of this suffocating situation.
But rationally, somewhere in you tells you that you cant, you cant just leave like that, you simply cant leave. You struggle, whether to get air or to think properly, it doesn't matter. You will try fidgeting around to find a better position to reposition yourself and at the same time you start wondering about possibilities, of what will happen if you get out this instant, will I feel better? Where should I go? What will happen if I have gone? etc.
These action-less and unnecessary thinking dies down and arise up and dies down again repeatedly. Like a vicious cycle, a loop with no false command to it and that it will go repeat itself over and over again, countless of times.
But, there, in fact, had no option in the first place. You are suffocating because you know you cant get out in the first place, that you dilemma was needless. The conclusion is already there and yet you simply didn't had the heart to accept it.
You start to be irritated at every single thing. Blaming everything and anything. Faces, people, their voices, laughter, the tiny and slightest movement they made. All of those, you just wanna either shut them out or leave the place and away from that all. It was probably aren't their fault, you know it. But they will always be wrong to you. They are the cause. For if they are right, then what am I?
A failure to being with? A runner? A loser?
Then what am I to believe in myself when I am wrong myself?
Is this about self-esteem or is it about existence of self or is it about a crazy person and her whining or grumblings?
It is up to you to think what it is.
But if you once felt that way then please reflect on it and we can discuss on it.

Java.Confession

Tat thing was pure irritating shit...
I cant do it!!!
CANT!!!
So here I am... pondering whether should I skip or should I not skip...
Evil piece of shit...

Java = shit
Understandable?
Totally.
Java = ASM good at it?
Understandable?
Totally. NOT!

Thought of reading up on Java on sat or sun (8/5 or 9/5)
But as u all know...
I didnt...
I slept, eat, slack, downloaded tons of non-educational softwares tat meant to degrade my intelligence and get me addicted to computer games...
Spent time... precious time on useless stuffs which are mention above.
I seriously should study at least a bit of Java...
But i didnt.
I feel guilty and obligated to study for it since the UT is near...
But still I didnt.

I feel like running away from it.
Run.Devil.Run.
Avoiding all those.
ALL.


Suddenly thought of this:


I am once a white blank paper waiting to be filled.
Since being made, hope of me being an important one was instilled in me.
Into all others.
I thought so too.
I believed it once, naively too.
Like all other papers.
But the flaws in me shows that I not the ones.
That my purpose was not for the greater good.
That I cant be part of an essay or a book.
Instead, I became used as a waste paper.
Wasted.

But a 2nd chance was given.
I was recycled.
Hope rise.
But I didnt realized that,
Hope was a cruel thing,
Esp when it is to papers like me.
I was crushed.
Awaiting for my fate of being recycled.


In the end,
I still cant be the white paper that I envied to be.
No matter how hard I tried,
No matter how many times of being,
Reused and recycled.
The difference is still there.
I can hide it,
I can conceive myself that I am a paper,
A useful one.
By increasing in quality and other enhancements.
That I can eventually be,
like,
the same as those white papers.
But the difference are there.
Lay bare and opened for others to view.
Its there.
Forever.

Nothing will change in the end.
I will remain the fate of being recycled again.
Cos I am nothing more than the white paper,
and that I am nothing less than a recycled one.
I am just,
A waste paper,
A recyclable one.
A wasted once before potential white paper,
But now a less or to nothing important recyclable one.




Depressing world.



It 2am.
4 more hrs to school.
I'm still infornt of the computer.
Still.
Pondering on the same questions.
I had asked myself countless of times on this questions.
Still.
I didnt have a certain answer.
Still.
Still.
Still.

I always do things half-heartedly.
I always do.
Neither here nor there.
Neither black or white.
Neither good or bad.
Always liked tat part of me.
But it doesnt mean it will apply to all parts of me.
Still.
Still.
Still.


I think if 1 day, I have a choice, I will want to be a mental patient.
I will certainly be a good one.
I can succeed in doing it well.
I can finally be good at something.
I will not be neither here nor there.
Cos being mental is being neither here nor there.
Mental.
Still.
Mental.

Okay. I'm going to school.
And get my ass-kicked by Java.